Don't Judge...

So lately I have been so down. I've really been in a bad place.  It sucks.  I have been feeling so horrible about life, about being a mother.  I have told the man multiple times that I would like to quit.  And I meant it. Before now, I have had days that, when they end, I feel like this.  Sometimes.  But this has been a feeling for more than just days.  I would never leave my family or my children, but sometimes the grass just looks so much greener, you know?  Like when your kids don't realize that you have sacrificed your entire life and everything that you were, to be their mother, and you continue to do so no matter how tired, sick, sad, or irritable you feel, so not only do they not appreciate it, but they sit and bitch about how everything you do is wrong.  Griping runs abundantly.  They have nothing good to say.  No positive to contribute.  I just feel like I want to run away from it all.  I won't, but I'm not gonna lie, it's something I think about.

I know I am so horrible for feeling this way, and even more horrible for admitting it out loud (not to mention, gasp, publishing it on my blog).  It's been a constant feeling as of late.  But this week has really been a good one for me.  I know that I am just trying to do too much. Because I am obviously superwoman! I have this crazy need to cross off things on my to-do list.  Most of the time I forget to put anything on my to-do list that has to do with my children and their emotional needs. I can honestly tell you, before this week, that I don't remember the last time I got down and played with my kids.  The last time I sat and read them a book.  READ THEM A BOOK.  What kind of mom doesn't even read with her babies anymore? My life was so "busy" that I couldn't even find time to squeeze in a book with my kids. I had been feeling that my kids were so disruptive that I couldn't even get my 'to-do' list done.  No joking here, with tears in my eyes as I hung my head in shame with this admission.  What kind of a person had I become?  What the heck was I doing?  I surely wasn't mothering.

I decided that my lists have to go (for now).  I need nothing more on my agenda then to let my kids know that I love them.  In any way that will appeal to them.  I am not going to lie I started out faking it this week.  I put on a big fake smile and told them sugary sweet things that I really didn't feel like saying.  When they called to me, I really tried to put whatever I was doing on the back-burner right away so I could attend to them. I tried not to be so concerned with the state of my house and what other people were thinking of me.  I listened.  And guess what?  At some point it went from being fake, to being sincere.  And fun.  I actually enjoyed joking with the kids.
There is more to life than constant nagging and arguing.  So as it turns out, what I thought was the solution to the problem ends up being the furthest thing from it.  I don't need time away from the kids, what I need is REAL time with the kids.

Tonight randomly I found this youtube clip. Go watch it. Now.
 
I'll give you a couple of minutes...


Now try to finish reading my post through your tears.

I sat here bawling as I watched and heard the words and the message.  The sobs wouldn't stop.  All I could think about was how selfish I have been, thinking I have the hardest kids in the world and just want them to go away, when there are sweet mothers out there who have felt the real sting of losing a child.  As I ponder this I couldn't imagine life without MY sweet 4-yr-old.  Or my 2-yr-old.  Or my 6-yr-old.  Or my 7-yr-old.  I don't even want to begin to fathom a pang like that because I am having such a hard time stopping the sobs I feel for this mother who lost her son to cancer. If this is how I react to someone ELSE losing a child, I would die if it were my own!

But I do feel a completely renewed sense of devotion to my children because they are HERE.  And I am thanking my lucky stars for that.  I love them so much.
I know that it is still going to be hard, but I hope that I will remember this life lesson that I am learning right now.  This week.  That I DO love my children.
And what a joy they are to me in this life.
Because I couldn't imagine losing one of them.
Or where I'd be if I did. I have them with me and need to cherish that while I have it.  I hesitate to even post this.  I am so ashamed of the way I have been acting.  I don't know what you will think of me.  But it is my blog after all.  And I do need to remember.  I am raising kids not grass.

 Here's the reference to that, if you don't already know it. (It's one of my favorites) and oh so relevant in this case.

Peace OUT

Here are a bunch of random pics of the kids because I know I have slacked on the pics lately. And posts. And pretty much everything.