I've never been good at doing much for myself. I used to try and have a weekday that I would go out when the man came home so that I might get a break from the kids every so often. I usually feel too guilty to go. My kids are still so small and need so much from me that they take all I've got and there is none left for me. By all means it is not my children who are to blame, it is me. I know I should take care of myself. But knowing it and doing it are different things.
So what I'm really getting at is this: I am attending a conference on writing children's books this week. It is great. I finally feel like this is something I am doing for no one else but me. Whether or not the lectures are great doesn't really matter. What does matter is that, for once since the last 4 years, I feel like more than a mom. Being a mother is important but I was somebody before I was a mom... I think.
Anyway, I'll just include a little blurb of some creative writing that I did during the conference. I know I just need to practice more and I'll get better so I am really going to try and write a little every day. Okay that is really a big goal given my circumstance and my personality. At least a few times a week.
"I startled as I saw a spider creeping up the wall. I waivered as I stood there deciding whether to leave him or take care of him. He was too close to my room to leave. I hurried to the bathroom to retrieve some toilet paper. When I came back I lost sight of him. I scoured the wall searching for any sign of him and caught him moving out of the corner of my eye. I had to do this quick or my nerve might fail me. My hand pounced and then smashed hard and in all directions to make sure there were no legs twitching when I pulled the crumpled piece of toilet paper back to look at it. There was no twitching, because he wasn't there. Dang. I looked everywhere, searching for the sly devil.
I knew two possible scenarios for what happened. Either he had jumped aside to escape his impending doom and was stealthily waiting on some part of my body or clothes, until I finally let my guard down to make his move, or he had found some crack or fissure in the doorway that I couldn't see, in which case he was waiting until I went to bed to recruit his aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and neighbors to mount a counter attack on me while I slept.
I stood there for another good minute, still, quiet and waiting. I walked back to my room. I turned the light on. Ha. That would show him. I knew that spiders are nocturnal. I went to my bed, put my right arm under my pillow, laid my head down, brought my knees up to my chest and pulled the covers tight around my shoulder. That spider won't get the best of me!
Around midnight I had to get up and turn the light off, due to the pounding headache from the light. And from the kids and lack of sleep, but mostly from the light.
But I told myself it wasn't over with the spider."
Anyway, we sure miss the man. We love you daddy! And a big thanks to my mom for watching the kids.
